Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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