I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
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Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
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BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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