my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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