I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
