i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
