Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
