You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
