I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
The cops high fived after they tackled you
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
