I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
