I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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