you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
