Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I looked at my own cervix.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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