I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
