Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
