pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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