I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
