I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
