At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
