i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
