Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
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