If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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