Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
