So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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