Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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