he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
