Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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