I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
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I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
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I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
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