ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I just saw a hot homeless man
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
