Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
