i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize