So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
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The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
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My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
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