Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
