The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
