I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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