i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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