Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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