Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
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