He asked me if I "almost moaned"
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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