what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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