I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Sorry about my life...
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
