My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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