we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Randomize
