I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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