Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
