I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
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