I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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