It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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