My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
