if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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