matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
