So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
