I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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