He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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