Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
